The Day I Decided to Stalk Jason Segel

Now even as I write this, I know I should be really embarrassed to tell people this story… but as we all know… I’m shameless J anywho “The Day I Stalked Jason Segel”… So before I even left the United States, my wonderful friend Megan lade saw on twitter that Jason Segel would be at the preimere of the Muppets in Sydney the week of the 19^th of December. So immediately, first thing my brain thought of was, “So I’ll be stalking Jason…” How creepy is that? I know, just wait you will be astounded with my creepiness.

                Lets give a minor background… IM OBSESSED WITH JASON SEGEL. For those of you who don’t know who he is 1.) SHAME ON YOU B.) He is the wonderful actor who plays Marshall on “How I met your mother” my favorite TV show… he has also acted in films such as “Forgetting Sarah Marshall,” “Gulliver’s Travels,” “Knocked up,” and now “The Muppets.”  He is hilarious and honestly I think he is like Hella-sexy. So in my mind the plan was “Oh this will be easy… stalk Jason… stage a chance run in once I find him… strike up conversation… have him fall in love with me… marriage.” Pretty standard plan. And yes you might be wondering, “Hmmm I thought jordyn was in her 20’s… that sounds like a plan for a 12 year old girl.” Well you know what negative Nancy?!DREAM BIG! (Not you Grandma Nancy if you are reading this… just the expression)?  Back to the story…

                So I started following Jason on twitter to see if he tweeted like his whereabouts in Sydney. So I knew immediately when he arrived. I set my plan for my stalking attack the next day after work. The original plan in my head was “put yourself in a place where he might potentially be and if you run into him great… if not, no worries” pretty normal, non-crazy idea right? At this point you probably aren’t questioning my sanity. Just wait… So I leave work and head towards the city. At the train station, they hand out free newspapers constantly and I never grab one…Like have yet to grab one since this day… I have no idea what made me grab one but I did. Sit on the train, open the first page and there is a picture of Jason attached to an interview he had given while he was in Sydney. And here is where I take a turn for the worse. In my defense it is kind of a long train ride so it kept me occupied but still I may need to seek help.

                I realize in the background of his picture he looks like he is in the lobby of a hotel….Soooooo I start immediately google imaging “Sydney hotel lobbies” haha yes this is entirely factual. Funnily enough I find about 3 places where that lobby could be located and they were close together. So I got off the train and walked to the hotel (I’m talking like going majorly out of my way). So as I am creepily walking around the outskirts of these hotels, realizing that they are super nice and of course have security, I think “shit… plan fail.” I manage to sneak into 2 lobbies… both of which weren’t correct which means I think he was staying in the third but can’t be 100% on that. So after about an hour of just wandering around I start to think… “Jordyn, look at you… look at your life right now… you are pathetic. LIT-CHER-ALLY stalking someone. Your shoes are giving you blisters and you are not even being a very successful stalker. (Now if facebook stalking translated into real stalking I’m sure Jason and I would be married by now) GO HOME.” And yes I talk to myself like that. But since I was in the city anyway I figured I’d go to my happy place, which is the opera house. I go there when I feel sad/homesick to remind me that I am in Sydney Australia and to suck it up because life is awesome. So as I’m walking up to the opera house… I SHIT YOU NOT… from probably 400m away I see a tall guy in a black jacket that I was like….hmmm I think that is legit Jason Segel. But he was at a distance so I convinced myself again I was an idiot. So as the person in question is getting closer I start to realize…. Holy shit… that is definitely Jason Segel. But he was walking with a woman…. Who not to talk trash but lady, you are walking with Jason Segel…. At least put on real clothes (looked like she was wearing orange pajama pants) that match and wash your hair. Jealous much? So he and anonymous female walk past me….He looks in my direction for a split second then continues on in his convo… At this point I have stopped walking and I’m staring mouth agape just at the two of them. MOUTH AGAPE! I hear his voice as he walks past me and I like almost pass out. At that point, I’m most in shock that I found him… for real…. End goal completed. So I’m like what do I do?!?! So naturally creeper jordyn waits a second, turns 180 degrees and follows them… I didn’t think it through what my next step would be if I actually found him let alone if he was with someone. So I set out at a pretty good actual stalker pace behind them. I get out my camera… get up the nerve to ask him for a picture and legit a like teenage skater dude cuts in front of me and was like “Jason, what’s up man? Can I have a pic?” Anonymous female (AF) was like want me to take it, turns around and looks directly at me, holding my camera with my mouth half open like I was going to speak. So I look from her to Jason and saw the look of annoyance on Jason’s face that he had to pose for a pic with this boy so I bailed. I just kept walking… AF could totally tell what my intentions were and that I pussed out… the look of pity she gave me was priceless. (Really AF, Really? You look like a hag…)

                So the best part is that I am then walking in front of them… Slowly. Like almost next to them…I can hear everything about their conversation. (He was discussing this beautiful love song… blah blah romantic shit that only made me love him more) So I considered for a moment asking for a pic but then I realized I had my one shot and if I asked now I would just look like a bigger A-hole so I just bailed. Watched him walk off into the heart of the city with AF. Considered following them but was like nope that is where I draw the line… At least I have some boundaries right? haha

                So moral of the story is… without attempting to stalk Jason Segel like a creeper at his hotel I wouldn’t have run into him in public and seen the glory of his essence in person.  Also I AM like the ginger in wedding crashers… when I say “I’ll FIND YOU” I mean it… And I will succeed. J

F.E.A.R

So there are many ideas i have for blog posts that are pending in my brain. But something happened to me on this Christmas eve that i feel i must share immediately because Im still having trouble processing it. I really dont have that many fears in life... you know the usual: dying alone, a world without midgets, having someone dye my hair blonde in my sleep... But i realized something today. Since moving to australia i've developed a new fear. And let me just say i am not happy about it. Lets rewind.
Remeber the convo i've previously stated with Rena about the cockroaches and spiders. Well apparently there are spiders in australia that kill people. There is one that if it bites you,  you have a few hours to get to the hospital but the whole time its poison is in your brain giving you "the crazies" as someone has described it to me and who knows what kind of permanent damage that can cause.... I dont want to find out... Then the other spider which Rena says and i quote "if you see one that is black and hairy, run away. Dont try to kill it or even look at it... run away as fast as you can" Awesome. It is that spider that apparently one bite and sayonara sucker... So in reading this i bet you are thinking, "okay Jordyn many people have a fear of spiders, big whoop"... Ya well that isnt my fear at all. I apparently have a fear of spider WEBS.
The other day when i was running I took a wrong turn and ended up on a different path than intended (clearly we all know my sense of direction is about as good as Helen Keller (even as i type that i know that was harsh... but true)) So i see the path i need and it is about 6 feet through a small wooded area. Me being the Bear Grylls that i am was like "no sweat i'll just run through these trees to get back on track" So i make my detour and run through a spider web... no worries right? I get about a quarter mile and feel some web still on me and think "hmmm... probably not the best idea to not know which spider web i ran through" so then i start of course feeling like a spider is crawling on me... which this story ends up with me shirtless banging my shirt on the ground and swatting my own head trying to rid myself of potential spiders. (and we wonder why i havent made friends)
So that was my first realization that hmmm... this could be an issue. It wasnt until about 20 minutes ago that i now know i am deathly afraid of spider webs, how did i realize this? let me set the scene. Im walking home from the lab and lets just say the street lights on the 3 block walk are on a scale of: non existent-candlelight would probably be better... Im just sauntering minding my own business when BAMMMM!!! walk straight through a spider web... and im sure everyone in the neighborhood thought someone got raped the way i screamed. Im talking blood curdling scream...top of my lungs. followed by the what looked like ninja moves/swatting my body trying to get the web off me. I realized quickly after making such a commotion i needed to flee the scene since i probably worried many... get to my driveway... WALK THROUGH ANOTHER WEB!!!! Lets just say the next things out of my mouth shant be repeated but the first thing rhymed with "Other Trucker" And we'll say the second thing was "Happy Birthday Jesus Christ" Only Happy Birthday was just a couple decibels lower than the second half. So when i hit the second web i retreated from the drive way doing the "karate swat" and then refused to walk down the driveway until i had my flashlight app out. Only of course i walked down the driveway like the main character of a friday the 13th movie... slow and looking around like a killer would pop out any moment. Get the the gate that leads to the front door and i shit you not when i go to put the key in to the lock my arm goes through YET ANOTHER WEB!!!! and i know im becoming australian when i yell "BLOODY HELL!" no joke.
I then immediately got in the shower to wash off potential spiders/webs... 5 minute naked squeegy... needless to say I have a full blown fear. Spider webs...Cause in the dark you dont know who built them...

Casa de Rena

Oh the joys of a houseshare... I have briefly summarized some of the joyous aspects of my new humble abode but lets start with the bathroom because it to me is the funniest. For those of you who have never showered with no curtain or door let me tell you water somehow manages to get everywhere!! Which therefore means there is absolutely no place to put your towel without it being moderately damp when you go to use it. My next favorite aspect about the bathroom is that it of course has a window that thankfully is tented... slightly... and because of the steam that comes from the shower it has to be cracked in order to not suffocate mid cleanse... this then means that if persay a bird wanted to join me in my shower it could fly right in... Honestly im concerned this will happen, thankfully i'll have a squeegy close at hand to swat the bird with if this incident happens to occur... which brings me to my favorite thing about the bathroom... DAS SQUEEGY... As an american i have taken not having to squeegy the floor of my bathroom for granted for 23 years. Thank you Australia to opening my eyes... Most people wouldnt realize but i now have to allot time in my day for squeegying... it like oh wake up, 1 minute pee, 10 minute shower, 5 minute squeegy, 5 minute get dressed, 10 minute breakfast... you get the point. But that isnt it... its not like you can just leave the bathroom and come back and squeegy... you have to do it immediately. Ergo... naked squeegying...Never in my life would i have put those two things together. But try to squeegy in a towel wrapped around you... I dare you try it. It will fall everytime leaving your towel wet and you equally naked squeegying. Lucky for Rena I worked at shields park pool and have squeegied many a floor so i've been up to the naked squeegy challenge... but the mental image i hope i have gotten across to you is one that makes me laugh everytime i do it... "if anyone saw this it could potentially kill them with hilarity." Anyways moving on.
The internet... for some reason the internet in this house is as bipolar as lindsay lohan. Sometimes i can skype for hours while other times it kicks me off every 5 minutes... super annoying and another reason why this blog has been post poned. The funniest part about it is if i want it to work i have to turn the wifi off and back on (at least on my phone) to get it to load certain pages... therefore about every 12 minutes i turn my phone on airplane mode for 20 seconds and then turn it back off... problem solved... Seriously... this is my life. I feel so ghetto fabulous when i do it... like i wiggled the antennae on an old tv set to get the picture more clear. Looks like there wont be any internet porn watching for me... bummer. haha jk mom...
Next there is no dryer. Some of you may be thinking "well jordyn lots of places in warm climates dont have dryers..." Ya thank you captain obvious but when was the last time you did laundry and hung every article of that load up to dry... probably never! unless it was a full load of jeans and you are like me and have to hang them dry or there is no way ANY of them would fit... then you have to do the whole jumping up and down, deep knee bend, jump some more, pull by belt loops, occasionally pull belt loops off pants (call that a blown tire) just to get your jeans to fit again... i digress... So im not opposed to hanging my clothes I just dont know clothes hanging etiquette... Like have you seen my underwear? dental floss at best... I dont know how Rena is gonna take to having that on her clothes line. But if i dont hang it up outside do i like lay them out to dry in my room? like if someone comes in to open the window will they have to dodge my drying skivies? Needless to say i have yet to do laundry because im scared im gonna do something culturally offensive. I may just pitch underwear and buy new once a week.
Life is complicated.

Is This Real Life?

First, let me start by again thanking all my wonderful friends and family for making my departure as easy (well hard because you all are so awesome i dont want to leave you) as possible. I love you all... Now to the fun part, the chaos that is my life. So after bawling hysterically by my gate (had plenty of people getting up from surrounding seats and moving it was great) they start boarding and i see there are far too many people with huge carryons...I know this wont end well.. so they finally call my zone (of course it is the last one called) and i get on first in my zone and still all the overhead bins are full. I was the lucky one who found that out and had to walk all the way to the back of the plane when i was in row 12 then walk all the way back to the front.. needless to say people hated me. I felt like ben stiller when he refuses to gate check his bag... the lady was like "we'll have these pushed through to your final destination" i was like my final destination is sydney australia. "Oh.... well maybe you should try keeping this with you" Obviously lady if i could keep it with me i wouldnt be giving it to you... So I ask "what are the odds of me actually getting this in Sydney" "Oh i promise it will get there" "Sure lady..."      
           25 hours of uneventful flight later (slept, watched 8 episodes of mike and molly, funny i recommend it).... oh sidebar: the boy in the window seat actually stood on the seat next to me and jumped over my passed out body... i woke up to the thud he made when he landed... pretty funny... but other than that uneventful. I get off the plane some B word tries to cut me in the customs line, i about cut her... but oh wait, my razors were in my carry on. Get to the baggage claim area... my 3 checked bags show up almost immediately (blessing) but then i have to wait until theyve unloaded every bad to realize yep mine of course isnt there... just as predicted. So then i have to deal with baggage claim (ps everything in an airport is more manageable when spoken in an aussie accent) make it through the second half of customs and then start wandering looking for the "meeting point" where my shuttle from the university should be waiting for me. Ya he wasnt there... so i start asking everyone. I end up sitting for 1 hour, the whole time not panicking at all (ya right) and FINALLY the dude shows up. we have an awkward like half mile hike to his van with my 3 huge bags (yes this is all super sketchy... pretty sure my life will be super sketchy for the next 3 years) and he proceeds to drive me to the address I hope is real from the lady i am supposed to live with.
        The house is 2b right.. well it sits between 2a and 2 but it is off the road so i almost walked into the wrong house. Me and my shuttle driver then proceeded to lift my 50 pound bags over our heads to get through the cluttered driveway and into the house where i meet my new roommate. She is 61 and polish. And by that i mean straight from Poland. And so begins my adventure that is Rena....
She shows me to my room which is bigger than expected with lots of storage space (win) shes gabbering away about the house (which is lovely) so im pretty excited thinking "I actually pulled it off! I found a decent house that exists from 2 hemispheres away!!" Then she starts showing me around..."there are no screens in the windows because this is a green house... which means we dont use air or heat inside so windows are open all the time... when it gets moist outside there can be cockroaches... and be careful cause they fly" oh great... not just cockroaches but flying cockroaches (which ive already killed 3... wonderful) and then she proceeds to show me a huuuuuuggggeee spider on the wall. "you dont kill these spiders... they eat the mosquitos that come in (because again i have no screens)" cockroaches and spiders. awesome... now to my favorite part about the house... the shower. It is LITERALLY just a showerhead on a wall. there are no doors. there is no curtain. there is a drain in the floor. so i look curiously at this wondering if im confused... then i look over and see a squeegy. But we'll here more on that later.
So Rena tells me she will give me a ride into a neighboring suburb to open my bank account...get my cell phone and groceries...etc... So just to give you a taste of what this lady is like, she has been complaining since I arrived how busy she is and how she is running late (she is always every time i see her running late for something). So she drops me off on the street corner near the bank and says i have to fend for myself on how to get home... sweet. So i go in the bank and im escorted to a back cubicle where we start getting my accounts started... its been 25 minutes of banter with the bank guy and i look up and Rena is standing next to me trying to tell me about vegetables. That means she not only found parking (which there isnt much) walked all the way to the bank, then wandered around the store until she found me, all while she is running late mind you... to tell me about vegetables. Then she just walks out! The bank guy didnt even know what to say. it was pretty hilarious. As ive previously stated that is just a taste of this woman.
So next i go to get my cell phone where i made friends with the guy selling me my cell phone (He is currently in my phone as "cell phone danny") haha he is old and has a white mullet... we bonded over some micheal jackson "P.Y.T." in the store... the whole time he is trying to set me up with his son (who later he asked if he could give him my phone number (must be a perk of working in a cell phone store) and my response was "sure i have no friends"... have yet to hear from him... this is my life)... anyways i leave go to the grocery... have my first wonderful experience lugging groceries on the bus. get to my bus stop and realize that to get back to my place i have to conquer a hill that should probably be found in san fransisco its so steep... FML. So grocery trips for the remainder of my stay at casa de rena should be great... This is my life... I better get used to it :).

A Brief Intro

For those of you who followed my Facebook updates when i was in Sydney over the summer, I figured having an actual legitimate blog might be easier. Since i was on vacation last time I tried to do a daily update, clearly since i've already been here 13 days that isnt going to happen. I started my first blog the 2nd day i got here and just now finished it so it is more like my facebook posts and gives kind of a summation of my settling in. For the remainder of this blog it will probably be just random funny stories about my life because trust me they are already piling up. So strap on your seatbelts, get your popcorn ready, and prepare to laugh at what has become my life... enjoy :)